December 7, 2010
November 23, 2010
May 1, 2010
February 3, 2010
January 22, 2010
JUDGES PART VIII or what is your problem, your honor?
In division 30 waiting to do arraignments so I take my jacket off; it’s that kind of place. Get a call to go next door to handle something there. This court is packed. Maybe 400 defendants, family and/or friends in the audience. I’d love to have that audience at my show IT’S CRIMINAL the comedy. (by the way it’s playing now at the Santa Monica Playhouse – every Saturday night till February 13 – www.plays411.com/itscriminal for tix.)
And then there are dozens of “bodies” (that’s what we call them in the biz) in the dock; the lawyers – prosecutors, defense attorneys, milling around in front of the Bar; the court staff; the interpreters and bailiffs. It’s so busy cause there’ s lots of misdemeanors committed every day in the big city and we never hear about it because who cares? Other than the people charged and their lawyers and the prosecutors.
So when i get there i’d hardly expect to be noticed. When the judge calls out to me – “Sir, are you an attorney?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t come into my court dressed like that.”
“What?”
“Where is your jacket counsel?”
Is he kidding around? I’m wearing a white shirt and a tie. I don’t know this judge – must be new. He’s not kidding. He’s coming at me hot and heavy. His face goes red.
“Do you understand me counsel?”
I’m not taking this shit from this punk asshole. I’m a professional, an officer of the court. I’m a goddamn grandfather.
“Yes, your honor.” I may have bowed my head too.
What could I do? Guess I won’t be starring in any super hero movies.
November 3, 2009
lying to cops a crime? or is cops lying a crime?
I’m called in to represent a guy about to testify at trial against his fellow gang member. Should he take the 5th is the question whenever you represent a witness. He’d given the cops a statement that implicated the defendant. The defense attorney is anxious that this guy not testify. She says to me that if he gets up on the stand he’ll be liable for making false statements to the police because he was now going to deny saying what the cops said he said. I say, “since when is lying to the cops a crime?”
The hearing resumes and while it is going on she thrusts this note into my hand. “all the attorneys in the lounge agree that lying to police during investigation is making a false statement to police and is a crime.” I still think she is full of shit. Cops? We’re talking LAPD not the FBI.
The witness gets up on the stand and tries to take the 5th. The Judge tells the witness, my guy – “fuck the 5th amendment – you’re testifying or I’m throwing you in jail.” (basically)
So the witness testifies how he never said what the cops said he said. In fact he never said anything to the cops.
Defendant is found “not guilty”.
The same day as this happens I’m in Division 30 and see the three cops who’d been charged with perjury for phonying up a police report over a rock cocaine bust (unfortunately for them the whole bust was caught on surveillance tape.) Three young dudes with shaved heads and suits sitting extremely erect in the first row of the audience surrounded by a bunch of lawyers and some camera crews from the local stations.
Is there meaning in this? May 23, 2009
REDACT
One of those words I can never remember. I always have to use it too. Because there’s always something that needs “redacting” – always – your guy’s statement – a crimey’s statement – a witness. Hate it when my client tells me the word. I’m the goddamn lawyer I know the word – it just takes me a while to get it out. April 11, 2009
I’M A CRIMINAL
last night I had a dream. I did an armed robbery using my antique WWII M-1. Immediately caught I was in a police car and the cop said – “If you tell me what happened I’ll give you a break. I know that this was a one time thing and you’re not a criminal.” In my show – IT’S CRIMINAL the comedy – I do a bit based on my experiences as a criminal defense lawyer about my clients confessing at the drop of a hat. It amazes me they listen to the cops horseshit they use about helping them out etc. In my dream, that’s just what happens – the cop says to me – “if you tell me what happened I’ll be able to help you out.” I think what the hell – and confess. The next thing that happens is I’m in jail and I’m wondering if there is any possible way to escape and how I can case the joint out without the guards knowing that I’m thinking about escaping. And I’m scared.
