January 28, 2010
January 22, 2010
JUDGES PART VIII or what is your problem, your honor?
In division 30 waiting to do arraignments so I take my jacket off; it’s that kind of place. Get a call to go next door to handle something there. This court is packed. Maybe 400 defendants, family and/or friends in the audience. I’d love to have that audience at my show IT’S CRIMINAL the comedy. (by the way it’s playing now at the Santa Monica Playhouse – every Saturday night till February 13 – www.plays411.com/itscriminal for tix.)
And then there are dozens of “bodies” (that’s what we call them in the biz) in the dock; the lawyers – prosecutors, defense attorneys, milling around in front of the Bar; the court staff; the interpreters and bailiffs. It’s so busy cause there’ s lots of misdemeanors committed every day in the big city and we never hear about it because who cares? Other than the people charged and their lawyers and the prosecutors.
So when i get there i’d hardly expect to be noticed. When the judge calls out to me – “Sir, are you an attorney?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t come into my court dressed like that.”
“What?”
“Where is your jacket counsel?”
Is he kidding around? I’m wearing a white shirt and a tie. I don’t know this judge – must be new. He’s not kidding. He’s coming at me hot and heavy. His face goes red.
“Do you understand me counsel?”
I’m not taking this shit from this punk asshole. I’m a professional, an officer of the court. I’m a goddamn grandfather.
“Yes, your honor.” I may have bowed my head too.
What could I do? Guess I won’t be starring in any super hero movies.
January 19, 2010
August 26, 2009
What do you expect counsellor?
No matter how many times i ask my clients – please please don’t have your friends in the courtroom audience cause the jury hears about gangs and they get scared. When they see people in the audience who look like what they think gangsters look like they’re going to convict you. You understand what I’m saying? My guy will always say – yes I understand.
And then the next day I’ll look up and see some guy looking like this.
August 25, 2009
GRANDMA HUG
When I started the case the grandma of my client gave me a big bear hug cause she was so happy I was on her grandson’s case and I was so much better than the prior lawyer.
In the middle of the case she’s yelling at me as I leave the courtroom – basically a flow of obsenities leading up to the conclusion “you’re railroading my grandson!!”
When the case ends and miraculously her grandson is getting released from custody and I’m leaving court, she’s waiting for me outside the courtroom with her arms wide open -looks like another hug. I turn back and sneak out the back of the courtroom. Fuck her hugs.
May 27, 2009
SQUABBLING LAWYERS
May 20, 2009
Yeah Baby!
*answer enough evidence to hold defendant for trial.
April 16, 2009
DECRIMINALIZE
California prisons are filled to the brim (no pun intended). Why? Because no politician, no judge has ever gotten into trouble for sending “criminals” away for the maximum time possible. BASIC LAW OF BEING A JUDGE OR POLITITICAN. THE TOUGHER YOU SAY YOU ARE ON CRIME THE BETTER YOU WILL DO IN THE POLLS.
Exceptions:
1. prostitution (we arrest them but then let them go unless we can get them on drugs or identity theft et al.)
2. stripping (we don’t even arrest them just for that anymore do we?)
3. Bestiality I actually looked it up. It used to be a MAJOR crime Death & worse – just like we treat child molesters today. (check out the Bible) But guess what? Beastialitists must have had friends in high places because the “crime” has turned into a measly misdemeanor – and then only as part of cruelty to animals statutes.
4. marijuans is another, because the children of politicians and their friends use it as do the politicians.
My wife says I don’t have a point of view: no I don’t think we should put people in prison for prostitution, stripping, bestiality, marijuana either but we shouldn’t put people in prison for as long as we do for many, many, crimes. That’s my pov.
Anyways I needed an excuse to put another photo of a stripper/mug shot up because – for some reason it attracts advertisers. Who would have thought sex sells.
April 14, 2009
COURT CRED
I get cred from courtroom staff depending on the bizzareness of my clients cases.
Whenever I see the Kathie the clerk – in whatever court she is in – her face lights up and we reminisce about a trial over 15 years ago where my client’s wife – County Probation Officer – testified that my client – also a County Probation Officer – wasn’t at that seedy motel on Washington Bl to smoke crack cocaine with a hooker (and later beat her up over a disagreement in their contractual arrangements). The wife knew her husband wasn’t at this motel with the hooker because in truth she was the one at that motel with her husband that night. She explained how they liked to go to a seedy motel on Washington Bl on special occasions. On these occasions, she, the wife, would get up on a table and dance and strip, to spice up the relationship. She stepped down from the witness stand and demonstrated the dance. Unfortunately the jury came back guilty. Which doesn’t matter much now – it’s all about the dance.
April 11, 2009
I’M A CRIMINAL
last night I had a dream. I did an armed robbery using my antique WWII M-1. Immediately caught I was in a police car and the cop said – “If you tell me what happened I’ll give you a break. I know that this was a one time thing and you’re not a criminal.” In my show – IT’S CRIMINAL the comedy – I do a bit based on my experiences as a criminal defense lawyer about my clients confessing at the drop of a hat. It amazes me they listen to the cops horseshit they use about helping them out etc. In my dream, that’s just what happens – the cop says to me – “if you tell me what happened I’ll be able to help you out.” I think what the hell – and confess. The next thing that happens is I’m in jail and I’m wondering if there is any possible way to escape and how I can case the joint out without the guards knowing that I’m thinking about escaping. And I’m scared.
