May 10, 2010
May 1, 2010
March 10, 2010
February 3, 2010
January 22, 2010
JUDGES PART VIII or what is your problem, your honor?
In division 30 waiting to do arraignments so I take my jacket off; it’s that kind of place. Get a call to go next door to handle something there. This court is packed. Maybe 400 defendants, family and/or friends in the audience. I’d love to have that audience at my show IT’S CRIMINAL the comedy. (by the way it’s playing now at the Santa Monica Playhouse – every Saturday night till February 13 – www.plays411.com/itscriminal for tix.)
And then there are dozens of “bodies” (that’s what we call them in the biz) in the dock; the lawyers – prosecutors, defense attorneys, milling around in front of the Bar; the court staff; the interpreters and bailiffs. It’s so busy cause there’ s lots of misdemeanors committed every day in the big city and we never hear about it because who cares? Other than the people charged and their lawyers and the prosecutors.
So when i get there i’d hardly expect to be noticed. When the judge calls out to me – “Sir, are you an attorney?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t come into my court dressed like that.”
“What?”
“Where is your jacket counsel?”
Is he kidding around? I’m wearing a white shirt and a tie. I don’t know this judge – must be new. He’s not kidding. He’s coming at me hot and heavy. His face goes red.
“Do you understand me counsel?”
I’m not taking this shit from this punk asshole. I’m a professional, an officer of the court. I’m a goddamn grandfather.
“Yes, your honor.” I may have bowed my head too.
What could I do? Guess I won’t be starring in any super hero movies.
January 19, 2010
December 4, 2009
THE MOST INGENIOUS CLOSING ARGUMENT EVER
Our clients are caught on tape as they get back into their car after doing the robbery. You can see them have to back up several times before finally being able to get out of the parking lot and burn rubber as they peel away. (is that the expression? doesn’t sound right)
My co-counsel tells the jury that since they parked so badly for the getaway (car is blocked in by a couple of other cars) and thus this getaway is the slowest in the history of man, isn’t that an indication they they never intended to do this crime?
I couldn’t help thinking “are you kidding me?” Unfortunately the jury must’ve thought the same. Guilty.
May 27, 2009
SQUABBLING LAWYERS
September 30, 2008
THE LINE-UP
Have to go to a line-up at Men’s Central Jail the other night. They got a big room set up for this. It’s actually a theater in the jail. An Equity Waiver house of about 100 seats. Its got an elevated stage and a glass partition running through the stage like a curtain. This separates the “actors” (the six inmates, all black, all short hair, all about 5’8”) from the “audience” (the cops, the attorney [me], and the witness for whom this entire production has been set up.)
I wonder how they get these actors. Do they request volunteers? Somehow I doubt it – who would volunteer for the chance to be identified in a lineup for some crime you may not know anything about? Of course all the actors are in jail for something. Maybe they do volunteer out of boredom. Nah.
The room is all very 40’s. There’s the photographer for the Sheriff’s Dept. with the huge camera to document; there’s a set of Flash Gordon dials, round & circular, on a side wall to manage the lights inside the actors side of the partition. When the lights are turned on inside the partition you can see the actors very clearly but they cannot see into the audience. (at least that’s what the “Emcee”– a plainclothes Deputy Sheriff repeatedly tells the witness, a black man wearing a baseball cap.) “They can’t see you, they can’t hear you.” I believe the sound proofing claim cause the photographer had to shout to the Deputy inside to acknowledge that he was done shooting the scene.
The Emcee comes over to me and asks me if I know which one of the six guys is my client. I said “no”. I’d seen my client twice before, briefly, in court. But I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. The Emcee holds up two fingers. It takes me a second to realize he’s giving me the number my guy’s wearing on the front of his jailhouse blues in the lineup. “Oh” I nod that I understand.
They really put those actors through their paces. They got to stand forward, turn around, walk to each side of the stage, sit down, look sideways, turn themselves completely around, turn to one side and then to the other. It’s a whole production. Its amazing how good they are. They respond to the Emcee’s barked instructions like they had rehearsed this show for weeks.
Finally they ask the wit to pick the guy. He shakes his head and throws his hands up. He doesn’t pick anybody. The actors leave the stage through a back exit. And then the audience goes home.
September 19, 2008
THE BEST GIG IN THE WORLD
I’m sitting in Long Beach waiting for my case to be called. I’ve been there since 830am- it’s 1030am already. I’m there to set a preliminary hearing for a new case – a little homicide. There are two defendants – it would’ve been zip zip but the attorney for the other guy hasn’t showed up. The DA got tired of waiting and went back to her office. I’m calling this lawyer and calling him – I’m calling and he’s not coming. There’s nothing I can do until he comes. Then this guy sits down next to me in front of “the bar”. I’ve seen him around for years. Never had a conversation with him. He’s got a pony tail and I’m prejudiced. We start talking about this DA dying. “We’re dropping like flies” he says. I agree. Then he says how he goes to a court sometimes where’s he’s been going for 30 years and nobody knows him and he doesn’t know anybody. I empathize. And then he said “but you know – this is still the best gig in the world isn’t it?” “Yeah it is.” I agreed.
