May 18, 2010
May 10, 2010
May 1, 2010
April 14, 2010
CHAMBERS CONFERENCE
We’re in the judge’s chambers in the middle of a trial. We’ve gone back there to argue about 
an objection the DA is making to something I was asking his witness. I don’t understand the point the prosecutor is making. Don’t think the judge does either because he repeats everything the DA is saying like it’s a puzzle and he keeps adding pieces to the puzzle. This was supposed to take a minute – the jury is waiting in the courtroom – but its stretching out to twenty minutes.
My mind is wandering. I don’t care what the ruling is just please let’s get out of here the standing up while the thing is being discussed to death is killing me. I can’t take the standing – my hips ache. The judge doesn’t care. He’s sitting on a little stool in between me and the DA like a midget referee.
I’ve totally tuned out. Should I take my dog for a walk when I get home or should I work out? It’s been awhile since I worked out but Louie my dog hasn’t been on a walk forever. The walk can be a work out couldn’t it? Boy, this chambers is like a man’s den you’d see on Father Knows Best, lots of leather. I’m sure it’s “decorated”. Did he do it? Nah his wife must have decorated. I wouldn’t mind having an office like this…
The judge is talking like he’s winding up. He does. He gets up from his stool. Shit I missed it. What did he say?
“Oh” I say “can you repeat your ruling your honor?” He stands up and puts his face right up to my face our noses almost touching. I can feel him breathing. He holds my arms in his hands so I can’t move. What’s he going to do? Beat me up? Put a knife in my gut? This judge is crazy he could do anything.
In a loud voice he carefully enunciates – “I want you to listen carefully to my rulings do you understand me?” “Yes your honor.” I follow him out of chambers into the courtroom like a chastened schoolboy.
He scared the hell out of me.
March 27, 2010
This DA’s a Mensch
The DA on the case transmits the Offer from his Boss, the Supervisor. For all 5 robberies with a gun and my guy’s prior convictions: 19 years in State Prison.
This sounds about right. We don’t have a defense. My guy’s been id’d by just about everybody including his girlfriend for robbing a bunch of cabbies and even a guy waiting for a bus. Just to get some cash so he can get high again. He’s a 50 year old heroin addict schnook, who looks 80, a very nice guy when he’s not high, who has spent half his life in prison. He really just wants to go back home to the joint.
My guy’s gonna take the 19 years. But before we get in front of the judge the DA says – “Wait, don’t take the deal.” I go, what? “If we go to trial all your guy has to do is get up on the stand and testify how it was a bb gun not a real gun. We’re not going to be able to prove the gun. Hold out for something better.”
And the next month the DA comes back with a new Offer from his Boss, the Supervisor. 10 years. Which my guy takes.
March 10, 2010
February 3, 2010
February 1, 2010
FAVORITE LEGALISMS PART I
“I AIN’T WAIVING SHIT!” This has got to be on the top of the top 40.
Ah, how many times have I heard this delightful riposte to my gentle inquiry of my client about giving me, his lawyer, just a little more time to prepare his case.
And what can one say when faced with “I want my speedy trial rights.” “Go fuck yourself?” This is not a winning strategy I can attest.
And if as happens sometimes it’s because of another lawyer who’s scheduled a vacation (never me i can assure you) or even the convenience of a stinking DA. Then even I might join in with “we ain’t waiving shit!”
January 28, 2010
January 22, 2010
JUDGES PART VIII or what is your problem, your honor?
In division 30 waiting to do arraignments so I take my jacket off; it’s that kind of place. Get a call to go next door to handle something there. This court is packed. Maybe 400 defendants, family and/or friends in the audience. I’d love to have that audience at my show IT’S CRIMINAL the comedy. (by the way it’s playing now at the Santa Monica Playhouse – every Saturday night till February 13 – www.plays411.com/itscriminal for tix.)
And then there are dozens of “bodies” (that’s what we call them in the biz) in the dock; the lawyers – prosecutors, defense attorneys, milling around in front of the Bar; the court staff; the interpreters and bailiffs. It’s so busy cause there’ s lots of misdemeanors committed every day in the big city and we never hear about it because who cares? Other than the people charged and their lawyers and the prosecutors.
So when i get there i’d hardly expect to be noticed. When the judge calls out to me – “Sir, are you an attorney?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t come into my court dressed like that.”
“What?”
“Where is your jacket counsel?”
Is he kidding around? I’m wearing a white shirt and a tie. I don’t know this judge – must be new. He’s not kidding. He’s coming at me hot and heavy. His face goes red.
“Do you understand me counsel?”
I’m not taking this shit from this punk asshole. I’m a professional, an officer of the court. I’m a goddamn grandfather.
“Yes, your honor.” I may have bowed my head too.
What could I do? Guess I won’t be starring in any super hero movies.
